My parents dysfunctions affected my life more than I was willing to admit. As a leader in many area's of the church I didn't want people to know that I didn't have it all together. After all, everyone else in the church looked like they had it all together so I better too. The church was where you hid your past and moved forward, even though you still had traces of your past stringing itself to your life. Between my parents alcoholism and my mothers struggle with bipolar, it left me confused with issues of trust If my own parents weren't around when I needed them and if my mother had times of really not loving me in the way I needed, then...what was stopping God from walking away from my life.
I remember times when I'd be talking to someone, leading them to Christ and when I said "God will never leave you" I truly believed that for them. But, I'd go home and in my mind I'd hear "Really? If your own mother isn't there for you how can you count on God being there, how do you really know that he won't leave?"
Satan and I played that game for several years. Then one day God stepped in and I had a moment where I had to choose. It was a moment that changed the way I thought for life! It was a moment where everything was clearer than ever before. It was a moment that defined how my relationship with Christ was really going to be. It was the fork in the road and I was standing there with the most important decision I'd ever have to make. Either I believed all the things I had learned in my past as a child about who God really was, all those Sunday school stories, all the things I had lead other people to believe or I believed in nothing?
There I stood with all the questions, the doubting, the confusion and even the guilt of what I had been thinking and God kindly, graciously and patiently in his soft voice said "Here we are, you and I after all these years I have never once left you" and he reminded me of all the times he was there for me as a child where he brought peace and comfort, strength and joy. Yes, I could even remember joy from those days where God brought people into my life to help me grow in him.
That day I chose the road to believe all that I had learned over the years to be the only true way. That I could count on God to walk with me throughout my life and he would never walk away from me. There was nothing I could do to lose his love for me. When he did seem distant it was because I had chosen to leave him out for whatever reason but he was still there.
God showed me that I could share my story and help others who struggle with his love, faithfulness and trust. I'm not the only Christian in the world that has lost sight of who God really is. That's not something many people want to admit they struggle with and it stays hidden deep in the heart and embedded in the mind.
I learned to trust God in the little things. I've even tested him from time to time. He's allowed me to and he's always reminded me that he's still there. I want with all my heart to see people get to know the God I know. The one who loves, protect, brings us back and let's us start all over again. The one that washes our past clean and makes us whole. I want people to have what I have! I'm on the road to recover people that need to re-evaluate their relationship with Christ, so they can effectively reach other people, who may never get to know him if they don't share their stories and lives. That's why I share my story and travel working with recovery groups and doing recovery tours.